The Official Fanfiction University of MREDURE
by Gahro Hevtee
Summary: Deep beneath the earth, canon is taught to unsuspecting fanits through two of the best methods: Work and Pain. Miss Cam approved and rated T to be safe. Dedicated July '08 to the memory of CAGrayWolf.
1. Preparations

_Disclaimer: The MYST franchise belongs to the Miller brothers, the OFU concept belongs to Camilla Sandman, the PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, TARDISes belong to the BBC, and (somewhat unfortunately) everything else belongs to Agent Sara and Tawaki._

* * *

Kelly Smith, a.k.a. Kellandra RivenMyst, was up late that night, working on her latest fic.

Her last had gotten so many flames that she had yanked it. How could the readers not have liked Saavedro's new love, Dessinda of Everdunes, Sirrus' daughter by Pran? What better reconciliation between Atrus and Saavedro could there be?

Her new fic was about how Kella returned to Narayan after her trip to Releeshahn with Atrus and how she fell head over heels in love with Saavedro. Not everyone was happy about her coming, however...

"_omg Saavy i luv you soooo much!" sed Kella swetly._

"_no u bitch Saavys mine!" screemed tarma and she attacked Kella she scrached her face an her eyes and pulls her hair._

"_trama no!" yells Saavy and grabed his sord and tryd to get tmara off Kella._

"_sav me mi luv!" Kella screemed then sudenly a bunch of Narayan men wit sords and hammers and axs ran up and pulld trmaa off Kella an thru her of the cliff into the samon sky, Saavy rushd to Kella an hugged her with all of his might he was afrayd of loosing her._

"_r u ok?" he ask and she nodded and he kiss her and_

Kelly Smith stopped typing and stared at the screen. What _did_ people do after they kissed? She wanted to have a major love scene, but that would be after Tram—no, Tma—Taram?—that one chick who pretended to love Saavedro came back with an army of Bahro to kill Kella and take over Narayan. A thrill went down her spine at the thought of her delicious story.

"I do hope you don't plan on taking this any further," commented a pleasant voice behind her. Kelly practically gave herself whiplash as she whirled to discover who was in her room. Two large men in black suits occupied what little space was in the area, as most of it was crammed with MYST paraphernalia—including a life-sized cardboard standup of Saavedro.

"Who are you and what exactly are you doing?" Kelly asked, blinking. One of the men cleared his throat.

"You, Kelly Smith, a.k.a. Kellandra RivenMyst"—the other man snickered—"are summoned to the Official Fanfiction University of Myst. Your fanfiction license has been revoked as of now due to gratuitous warping of...well, of everything," he recited, looking bored. The other man slammed a stack of forms down on Kelly's desk and grinned nastily.

"Here are your enrollment forms. I suggest you think very carefully about how you fill them out, as what you put down now may come back to bite you in the butt later."

Kelly sat motionless, her mouth slightly agape.

"Wha...?"

The two men looked at each other knowingly and sighed. One took a pen from the desk and put it in her hand.

"You...fill...out...form," he enunciated slowly, as if talking to someone with a mental disability. Kelly managed to look down at the form on top of the stack and read a random entry.

"Wait, my species? What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, turning back to the men. She was startled to find that the room was empty.

"I am _so_ hallucinating," Kelly mumbled. After a minute, she shrugged. "Can't, hurt, can it?" she asked herself, a little unsure. Then, with renewed resolve, she picked up her pen and filled out the top form.

**Name**: "Kellandra RivenMyst." Her real name was so dull.

**Gender: Male/Female/Not Applicable (select one)**: "Female"

**Age**: She wrote the D'ni numeral for twenty.

**Race/Species**: "Human (Narayani)." The better to attract Saavedro.

**Appearance**: "I have eyes the color of amber and shoulder-length wavy auburn hair. My skin is slightly tanned." It was her own appearance, just spruced up a little bit. She had never been particularly imaginative in coming up with a gorgeous look for her characters.

**Favorite Character**: "Saavedro." She drew four hearts .

**Least Favorite Character**: "Tamra." She drew a witch's hat.

**Lust Object**: Lust object? She paused a moment, then wrote "Saavedro, but it's true love, not mere lust." She dotted the i with a heart.

**Favorite Game**: This was a no-brainer. "Exile. It has Saavedro."

**Favorite Novel**: What, she thought, there are books? ".Rehl tahgihnohkh vaysee khohrohtee(I don't know of any books.)," she wrote.

**Favorite Age**: "Narayan. Same reason as Exile above."

**Have You Ever Written a Mary Sue? **What a silly question, she thought. Mary Sues have no flaws. Both Dessinda and Kella had flaws, all right; Dessinda had been harassed in her youth over the fact that she was Sirrus' daughter and Kella could not hit that high C. "Of course not," she wrote.

**Have You Ever Written Slash?** "No."

**Would You Read Slash?** "If it's to my liking."

**What Are You Afraid Of?** "Spiders and the Bahro Nekisahl."

**What Are You Allergic To?** "Ragweed pollen."

**How Much D'ni Do You Know?** "!Muhkhohn rakhnahl (Quite a lot!)"

Kelly slowly felt herself getting drowsy as she made her way through the form. Putting down her pen after the final question was answered, she stretched and yawned expansively. She staggered to her bed and flopped down onto it, holding her Saavedro plushy close. She didn't notice her computer shut down by itself and the stack of papers disappear from her desk as she fell quickly to sleep.

* * *

"A _golden_ Bahro?" asked Mr. Bentley, leafing through the papers. "What are these people _thinking_? Do they not know what canon is?"

"No," replied Miss Rowan, "or else we wouldn't be here." Just then, an Uru explorer dashed in. "What is it now?" asked Miss Rowan. "Ymur trying to kill someone again?"

"No, I just want to know what a TARDIS is doing in D'ni."

"Oh, good," said Mr. Bentley. "Our live-in PPC Agents are here."

"Marvelous," mumbled Miss Rowan distractedly, still looking through application forms. "You go greet them; show them the ropes. Ooh, this is potentially amusing...creamy skin...haha, let's see how she likes her skin to be really _creamy_."

Mr. Bentley left his cohort and followed the explorer to a massive orange construction cone, as high as your average doorway, that had materialized just outside the library. A door opened and two men in black suits and potted-cactus patches on their sleeves emerged.

"Look what form it took," said one, very amused, examining the cone.

"As odd as the form Melpomene said hers and Tawaki's took when they faced Dessinda," said the other

"Ahem," said Mr. Bentley.

"Oh," said the second Agent. "I'm Agent Gilbert Hawk, and this is Agent Kedri'Neref Hemelin. We are the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, Department of Mary Sues, Myst division."

"I'm Bentley, a Course Coordinator for OFUMREDURE." He shook hands with Gilbert, then Kedri'Neref.

Meanwhile, back in the office, Miss Rowan looked up to see Atrus. "Ah, my friend," he said, "we've returned. We have the first two Detention Ages ready for use. ri'Neref is just testing... _the Device_."

"Good," said Miss Rowan, not batting an eyelid. "I have yet to hear of an OFU where the students did not stampede the first day."

* * *

_And there's the first chapter. Enrollment is open, and if you're interested just fill out the above form (this is highly recommended, mainly because we NEED more students). -Sara_

_The link for filling the form out is on our profile page or you can e-mail it. Do NOT sign up in the reviews column. -Tawaki_


	2. Arrival

Disclaimer: the MYST franchise belongs to the Miller brothers, the PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, TARDISes belong to the BBC, and the original OFU belongs to the lovely Camilla Sandman. _Muchas gracias_ to Al's Waiter, who was kind enough to beta.

* * *

The first thing Kelly noticed when she awoke was that she was on a stone floor. She lay there for a moment, still half-asleep and very confused until a scream rent the air.

"_Oh, my god, my skin!"_

Kelly shot up off of the floor and looked around wildly, trying to pinpoint where the scream came from. A girl lying not far from her was sprawled across the floor, looking like she was in intense pain and trying very hard not to move. Kelly took a closer look. There _was_ something odd about her skin...

"It's _creamy_," whispered a voice behind her, horrified. "It's actually _creamy_."

A golden Bahro (literally golden; its limbs clanked whenever it moved) crawled towards the creamy girl. Kelly didn't know how it was able to speak beyond screams and clicks and didn't really care. She was riveted by the sight of skin that smudged, that ran, that did things that skin was never meant to do.

"Ew! That's disgusting!" shrieked another girl next to Kelly. Kelly tore her eyes away from skin-girl for a moment to take a look around. Dozens of other people were waking up and gravitating towards where she stood.

"Are you all right?" asked a boy who had unusually pale eyes.

"No, I'm not!" sobbed skin-girl.

"I _told_ you that having creamy skin was stupid!" admonished the Bahro.

"So? _You're_ made of pure gold! You can't even stand up!" skin-girl spat back.

As the girls bickered, Kelly took another look around. They were in a cave, she surmised. A very, very large cave. She wandered over to a wall and noticed some strangely familiar designs on the walls. Then she realized...

_A Bahro. Caves. Funky designs...oh, my God, we're in _D'ni_!_

"Got to find book to Narayan. Got to find Saavy!" she mumbled fervidly to herself.

"I wouldn't recommend that," said the boy with pale eyes, who had been inspecting the wall as well.

"Why? There is nothing that can separate me and Saavy! We are meant for each other! It is written in the stars!" Kelly declared.

"That's nice, but I've been to an OFU before, and They will bring you Pain if you try and woo your L.O. By the way, I'm Senomar," the boy told her. Kelly was confused, but shook the proffered hand.

"What's an OFU? Who're "They"? And how can "They" deny my true love?" she asked, pronouncing the last question in what she hoped was a dramatic manner. The boy raised his eyebrows, and was about to reply when a booming voice echoed from the cave entrance.

"_Rahm yahr!_" called a man in a burgundy Guild cloak. "Get up and get moving!"

"It's JADARIS!" squealed a fangirl with amethyst orbs for eyes.

"How can I move?" asked skin-girl. The man looked at her and winced.

"You and you," he called, pointing to two strong-looking students. "You two get her up and help her walk." The two students looked like they didn't want to have anything to do with skin-girl, and grimaced as they touched her skin. She whimpered a little as they helped her to stand, obviously in great pain.

Finally, they were all assembled and moving. Skin-girl, aka Nara, was whimpering with each step and the eight strongest students were helping Dhozonesh, the golden Bahro, along. They exited the chamber into a courtyard in Ae'Gura. They marched down to the dock, where a large crowd awaited. As they got closer, Kelly scanned the crowd – and saw SAAVEDRO! "I found him," she whispered to Senomar, who clutched his forehead.

"Oh no," he groaned. "Do not go for him. They will bring you Pain if you – dammit, here we go again. STOP!" he cried, to no avail.

Nearly everyone was tearing down the steps and heading for their Lust Objects, more than one fangirl yelling "SQUEE!" Large white rodents appeared and then all was screaming, confusion, growls, and then oblivion.

* * *

Kelly awoke in what was unmistakably a hospital bed. "Oooooh," she groaned, "what happened?"

"You got attacked by Mini-Camoudiles and Piercing Squees," replied a D'ni Healer.

"Whats and whats?" Kelly asked, alarmed. _Oh, he did not just say "camoudile"._

"Mini-Camoudiles and Piercing Squees," explained the Healer, cleaning the scratches on Kelly's face none too gently, "are created when you people mess up. Mini-Camoudiles are born when you misspell the name of a person or place. Piercing Squees are born when you squee. They're vicious little creatures," he finished with a rather nasty grin. Kelly shivered slightly.

At that moment, a tall woman with brown hair and stern green eyes and a man with dark hair and pale eyes entered the Hall. The woman cleared her throat loudly.

"Ahem. Before I begin the pointless formalities, it is my duty to inform you that all of you have nightly detentions for a week." Groans echoed throughout the Hall. The woman snorted.

"Don't complain to me; you brought this on yourselves. Coincidentally, that brings us to the first major rule of this school: Thou Shalt Not Glomp. Glomping will be punished with detention, as will talking back to a staff member, going to the lake without a staff member, attempting to bribe the staff, making walkthroughs for Detention Ages..."

At this point Kelly drifted off. Maybe she had gotten off to a bad start, but surely Saavedro would understand. They were meant for each other, after all, and –

"Get with it," hissed Senomar. "You've missed several rules already."

"Pfft. Whatever."

The dark-haired man went from bed to bed passing out papers.

"These are your dorm assignments. No, they are not mixed-gender and no, you may not request a transfer. Attached to them are your class schedules," he announced shortly. Kelly glanced over her dorm assignment. She was roommates with someone named Rachel (who she thought had a rather boring name).

"Those of you with complaints about your form, meet with me or Mr. Bentley," said the woman.

Nara whimpered and winced her way forward, and several students helped Dhozonesh forward.

"I'm not complaining," said Senomar. "At least I'm human this time; I was a squee at the Redwall OFU."

"Redwall? You mean there are more of these places?" asked Kelly.

"A great many. And I made many of the same mistakes you are making."

"Meh."

* * *

Dinner was served in a massive hall in Ae'gura. The main course was sunner chor bahkh, which disgusted some and delighted others.

Halfway through dinner they were joined by those who had complained to Mr. Bentley or the woman, whose name, as Senomar had told Kelly, was Miss Rowan.

"Why can't we have the powers of the Bahro?" asked Dhozonesh, whose limbs still clanked, but who could walk.

"At least they addressed a complaint of yours," said Ordevaas. "You can stand up again and your friend's skin doesn't move more than it ought now; Jarl saw to that. But the least he could have done for me was to give me one nose instead of this." He indicated his two left halves of a nose. "_You should have specified which half of 'a pair of noses,'_" he mimicked.

"Jarl?" asked Kelly.

"The Healer," said Nara. "Haven't you read the books?

Kelly was confused for a moment, then remembered a reference to novels on the form. "I didn't know there were any until last night."

"I ask again," complained Dhozonesh, "why can't we have the powers of the Bahro?"

Senomar rolled his eyes. "Because you'd abuse them. D'ni has had enough trouble with the Bahro Nekisahl." Kelly shuddered at the thought of the twisted Bahro and quickly changed the subject.

"When do we get to see the characters?" she asked, longing for another glimpse of Saavedro.

"Didn't you look at your schedule? They teach the classes!" Nara pointed out excitedly. Kelly quickly pulled her schedule out of her pocket and took a look.

**D'ni Culture **- Aitrus**  
**

**Love 101: Why Couples STAY Couples** – Tamra, Catherine, and Anna**  
**

**Animals of the Ages **- Meer**  
**

**Puzzles and Why They Are Difficult –** The Stranger**  
**

**The Bahro: NOT Cute and Cuddly** – Douglas Sharper and Doctor Watson**  
**

**The Cavern and the DRC** – Marie Sutherland**  
**

**D'ni Lore** – The Kings of D'ni**  
**

**D'ni Language: Beyond the **_**H**_ - Atrus**  
**

**Narayan: An Emphasis on Peace **- Saavedro**  
**

**Ages and How the Art Works** – Yeesha

**Angst 101** – Sirrus and Achenar

**NOTE: These are your classes for the first semester. Depending on whether you pass or fail, you will move on to more advanced classes or remain in these until you pass. Mandatory (meaning "not optional") seminars will be once a week.**

Kelly sighed happily. She was in a class taught by Saavedro! Soon he would realize his love for her and-

"Snap out of it! Bentley's talking!" hissed Senomar, jabbing her in the side with a bony elbow. Kelly rubbed her smarting ribs and grumbled quietly as Mr. Bentley stood up.

"Hopefully we've all gotten a good look at our classes and know where our dorms are. Breakfast will be served here at 6:30 AM surface time. Afterwards you will be linked in small groups to Gahreesen, where you will pick up your KIs. Classes begin at 8:00 AM, again surface time. Lateness is punishable with whatever your teachers come up with, so do try to be punctual. Finally, I must remind you that K'veer is off-limits to students, as is the Library. Any questions?" A boy sitting a few seats away from Kelly raised his hand.

"How exactly are we getting to our dorm neighborhoods from here?"

Mr. Bentley raised an eyebrow. "Linking, of course," he informed them, smirking as excited murmurs filled the room. "Anything else? No? Then scram!"

Kelly got up and headed to the doorway with a sign that said "NEIGHBORHOOD LINKING ROOM" above it. Excitedly, she pushed her way through the gathering mob in front of the door, hoping to be the first in line to link. Everyone else seemed to have the same thing in mind, though, and Kelly found herself practically trampled by people trying to get to the book. After what seemed like an eternity she found herself at the front of the line. Nervously, she stepped up to the pedestal. She paused for a moment with her hand over the linking panel, and then set it firmly down.

The surface of her palm tingled, and then she was drawn into the book with a lurch. For a moment she saw nothing, and then she found herself standing by a large fountain. She stood there for a moment, slightly dazed, and then was knocked to the ground as someone linked in on top of her.

"Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!" cried the girl, scrambling to her feet and offering her hand to Kelly. It was the amethyst-orb-eyed girl. "Which dorm number have you got?"

Kelly looked at her dorm number, which was written in D'ni. "F, no, that's a Z. But I do recognize the thirteen."

"Same as mine," said amethyst-orbs. "My name's Rachel Brown. Yours?"

"Kellandra RivenMyst."

Rachel looked as though she were suppressing a few snickers. When she got a hold of herself, they made their way to their dorm. It had been a tiring day, so Rachel got directly into the top bunk and Kelly the bottom, and they were both sound asleep in minutes. Kelly dreamed of Saavedro and the true love she was sure they would find.


	3. Of KIs, Kings, and 'Sues

_Disclaimer: Myst belongs to the Miller brothers, the original OFU idea belongs to the fantabulous Miss Cam, the PPC belongs to Jay and Acacia, TARDISes belong to the BBC and everything else (unfortunately, in some cases) belongs to Tawaki and Sara. Thanks to Al's Waiter for being a fantastic beta!_

* * *

"Get up, everyone!" called a voice from outside the room the next morning.

"Ooooooh," groaned Kelly. "What time is it?" When she got no answer, she pulled the covers back over.

"I had the weirdest dream ever last night," groaned Rachel. She paused. "Or was it a dream?"

"Everyone who is not up within fifteen _gorahntee_ will have extra detentions!"

"Guess it wasn't," said Rachel. "I'm up!"

They were dressed and out their door three minutes later. Rachel identified the woman who had awakened them as Marrim.

"That's nice," muttered Kelly, "now where's my Saavy?"

"Forget Saavy," said Nara, who resided in the room next to them. "Where's my Eedrah-chan?"

Marrim turned. "My hearing must be going," she said. "What was that, again?"

"Eedrah, Eedrah, where _are_ you, Eedrah, my love?" Nara chanted under her breath, paying no attention. Marrim sent Nara a Glare-o-Death, which the preoccupied girl didn't notice.

"You do know that Eedrah is _married_, right?" she asked, her voice dangerously light. Kelly gulped.

"Waitwaitwait. He has a _wife_?!" Nara shrieked, promptly snapping out of it. Several students banged their heads against the nearest hard surfaces and Marrim looked about ready to burst a blood vessel.

"Detention after classes today, girl," she growled, eyes flashing "and we shall..._discuss_ relationships."

Nara groaned miserably as Marrim swept regally down the hall, scattering students before her. Rachel shook her head.

"You are _so_ going to fail Love 101."

* * *

They gathered for breakfast. Ordevaas looked terrified, Kelly noticed. She decided not to ask, assuming it was simply something akin to what had happened between Marrim and Nara.

Nara whispered in Kelly's ear, "I was planning ask Atrus-sensei about how to get close to Eedrah-chan, and I might ask about Saavedro-sen-" She stopped because Marrim was walking past. The Averonese woman glared at her, and then continued on her way.

"I'll take you up on that," said Kelly

"You'd have better luck getting Horen ro'Jadre to see us," said Senomar from across the table.

"Who?" asked Kelly. "And how did he go blind?"

"It's not blindness; it's an evil attitude. The Terahnee viewed the Ronay (that's them and the D'ni) as the supreme race, and enslaved all others, who were deprived of everything and forbidden on pain of death to speak, or to touch a 'Master' for any reason. Except for a few secretly decent types like Eedrah, they trained themselves to see through anyone who was neither Ronay nor the P'aarli (their stewards). In fact, ro'Jadre ran slapbang into Splitnose this morning and had no idea anything had happened. King Mararon and Jadaris had to physically restrain Duura from killing Splitty on the spot."

"So _that's_ what's wrong with him!" exclaimed Kelly, aghast. "By the way, who is Duura?"

"One of the ro'Jethhe P'aarli."

Kelly shuddered. Myst was turning out to be a lot less of a friendly universe than she thought.

"And who is Splitnose?" asked Rachel

"Ordevaas," said Kelly. "I think there's a Redwall reference in there, although it's been a while since I read the books."

"We seem to have a lot of those weird traits here," said Bahro Seltahn.

"Like Nara's creamy skin," said Rachel.

"And your eyes, Rachel," added Kelly. "Creepy-looking purple marbles."

"Says the girl with creepy-looking red eyes," Rachel shot back.

"WHAT?"

"What did you put on your form? 'Eyes like fire'?" Rachel asked as Kelly looked for a reflective surface to look at her eyes.

"Amber, dammit, _amber_!" she moaned in disbelief as she stared at her very red eyes in a pocket mirror. Rachel patted her sympathetically on the back.

* * *

After breakfast they assembled in the courtyard.

"We are going to Gahreesen so you can get your KI's," said Jadaris. "Please separate into groups based by dorm assignment.

Kelly found Rachel and Nara, and then met up with Dhozonesh (Nara's roommate) and a girl named Rebeca, who had gotten confused and was accidentally left behind by her dorm mates. Unfortunately for Nara, Marrim took charge of their group, escorting them to the Gahreesen book and linking in behind them.

"I heard that some explorers lost their Relto books and got trapped in crevasses here," whispered Dhozonesh.

"Well," said Rebeca, "I heard that the PPC is sending a dragon here at some point. But it's just a rumor."

"What's the PPC?" asked Nara. "Payiferen Political Council?"

"Quiet!" snapped Marrim.

"Sheesh. You make one little comment she doesn't like..."

"I said, _quiet_!"

The fuming Marrim led them to the KI dispenser, directing them to stick their hands in the slot and receive their KIs. The students were rather unsure about the process—and about what KIs actually _were_—but were pleasantly surprised when the piece of D'ni technology wrapped itself around their hands.

"Hey! I can send e-mails!" exclaimed Rachel after fiddling with it for a while.

"KI-mails, actually," explained Marrim. "It also works somewhat like a GPS system from the surface—it'll tell you what coordinates you're at and such. Also, we'll be able to track your every move—so _don't_ be anywhere you're not supposed to", she finished, glaring pointedly at Nara.

They returned to D'ni with little trouble (though Rachel almost fell into a crevasse and was barely saved by Dhozonesh grabbing onto the back of her shirt), and scrambled to find their first classes. For Kelly and Rachel, this was D'ni Language, taught by Atrus.

* * *

Atrus materialized in front of the lectern as the students began to enter. Three small camoudiles followed.

"_Yahrm, Soykuhtahn Atrus_," greeted Kelly, who was first in the room.

"Maker give me strength," he whispered.

Gehn had been observing from the door. "I've heard better D'ni from my guard!" he snickered. Kelly blushed and sat at a desk.

Rachel saw Atrus the moment she entered. "SQUEEEEE-AAAAAAA!" her squeal became a scream as a giant squee appeared and went straight for her. Remembering the disastrous stampede the previous day, the students bolted. The Piercing Squee bore down on Rachel and latched onto her face.

"Oh, calm _down_," Gehn snapped, detaching the Squee from Rachel's face and throwing it into a corner, where it disappeared. Rachel picked herself up off of the floor and followed Gehn as he motioned for her.

"I'll take your student down to Jarl, Atrus," Gehn called over his shoulder. Atrus sighed and ushered the students back to their seats. Gehn took Rachel off.

"He's not as kawaii as, say, Eedrah," whispered Nara to no one in particular.

Returning to his place at the lectern, Atrus cleared is throat. "As you know, this class will be about the D'ni language. Some of you may think that you know how to speak D'ni already. I have already had proof that some of you do not," Atrus said softly, looking straight at Kelly. The girl blushed again, staring down at her desk and memorizing the interesting grain of the wood.

The door opened and Bahro Seltahn entered.

"Why are you late?" asked Atrus.

"Fashionably so," replied Bahro Seltahn.

"They don't put up with that in your schools, nor do we. Detention."

"They don't put up with teachers calling on the Maker in our schools, either," said Kelly.

"Nor do they put up with talking back to the teachers."

"Yeah, but this isn't normal school, is it?" piped up a boy in the back. Atrus sighed and wrote something on a pad of paper sitting on the lectern.

"Those of you who decided to argue with me get to help me configure my crystal viewer." said Atrus. A few students groaned and Bahro Seltahn looked sick, but Kelly was confused.

"It can't be _that_ bad," she whispered to Rebeca, who had taken the seat next to her. Rebeca winced.

"Oh, trust me, it is."

Confused, Kelly returned her attention to Atrus, who was continuing the lesson.

"You know how mini-Camoudiles like Atris, Attrus, and Aytrees here are spawned, right?" said Atrus. "Well, it works the same in D'ni; Aytrees is a D'ni language mini, in fact."

"That means that when you mangle our language, you create another mini. So learn before you attempt to have your character spout D'ni to someone," commented a man from the doorway.

"Ah, perfect timing," Atrus said, motioning for the newcomer to enter. "Class, this is King Asemlef. He and I will be holding conversations with you using the basic phrases we just learned. Be warned: he _will_ make fun of you if you mess up." Here Asemlef grinned, baring a mouthful of teeth. "Right. Let us begin."

"._Shorah_, _Rehltahvom_" said Atrus. "?_Lerochaiëet Behnashiren Por-pah gah Madihson O'Graydee Areeuhtahntee tomeht_"

"._Rihl_" replied Asemlef. "._EhrthMehreesoo Jehdi doahrtahen trehn dhainoytee t'rehdovah t'Naboo _._Roob bodomahlaheet gorvehn"_

"Did you just say 'Jedi' and 'Naboo'?" asked Cavangan, who was Senomar's roommate.

"._Meesehmah t'D'nee_" reminded Atrus.

In Cavangan's next attempt, he inadvertently used an unprintable term referring to male anatomy. Kelly herself did no better, stumbling over her phrases and mixing up consonants so badly that Asemlef commented that she sounded like she was "trying to speak it backwards with a squee crawling up her throat." It did not help that none of the students had exactly spent much time in the presence of royalty.

It turned out that Bahro Seltahn thought _bahro_ meant great, instead of _gahro_. "Well, if you want to have everyone call you _Beast People_, that's your choice," said Asemlef, barely holding back laughter at the look on Bahro Seltahn's face when he informed her of her mistake.

By the end of class, however, Atrus and Asemlef with the help of the minis had managed to drill the basic D'ni alphabet into their heads, as well as most of the numbers from one to ten. They still had some trouble with the phrases, though; Kelly, for example, had used the 'thou' form (-_ehm_) when talking of herself, twice.

* * *

After class, they made their way to the hall where Love 101 would be taught. They received a KI-mail; Agents Behnashiren and Madison of the PPC would be running Grammar Boot Camp the following Tuesday. Kelly still wasn't sure what that was, but judging by what she had encountered so far, it couldn't be good.

She ran across K.N. and Gilbert, who were scattering some journals for the puzzles class. They were chatting, and Kelly overheard.

"I could have sworn it resembled that miniature puffer spore Tawaki and Melpomene's TARDIS became when they took down Dessinda of Everdunes," said Gilbert with a laugh.

"What exactly do you mean, 'took down?'" asked Kelly.

"She'll have to know sooner or later," said Gilbert. "They counted up her crimes against canon, charged her, and neutralized her," he added matter-of-factly.

"Neutralized?"

"She was throwing Saavedro and Tamra out of character, the spelling and grammar (both English and D'ni) were simply appalling, and her purported mother actually died when her purported father was a child. For that last reason, it went to the Department of Temporal Offenses, Timeline Distortions Division, and Dessinda wound up as one dead Mary Sue."

"WHAT?" Kelly screamed. How dare they bring Dessinda to harm! Didn't _anyone_ like that story?

"Melpomene said that the camoudiles seemed especially ravenous when they fed her to them," K.N. commented thoughtfully, and Kelly almost fainted.

"I...uh...wha?" she asked, tears springing to her eyes. She felt like the world had been slapping her in the face all day, and this on top of it was almost too much. She bit her lip, turning away from the Agents. K.N. looked at Gilbert knowingly.

"You'd better be off," said Gilbert. "Class starts in about five _gorahntee_."

Kelly ran like there was a camoudile on her tail.

* * *

_Wow. That took a while. Hope you enjoyed this, belated as it is! Sara_

_In case you were wondering, Atrus said "Peace, your Highness. Have Agents (lit. "Protectors") King Behnashiren and Madison O'Grady arrived yet?" and Asemlef replied "No. A Jedi Mary Sue is causing some problems on the world of Naboo. But they will be coming soon." Tawaki_

* * *


	4. Poor Eedrah

_Disclaimer--in bad Spanish!: MYST es de los hermanos Miller, OFUM es de Camilla Sandman, el PPC es de Jay y Acacia, TARDISes son del BBC, Star Wars es de George Lucas, Haldir es de Tolkien, y los fanbrats son de nosotros._

* * *

Love 101 was taught by Tamra that day, much to Kelly's annoyance, and, as it turned out, to Tamra's annoyance, too. As the class filed in and sat down, Tamra made an announcement.

"I realize that many of you here fancy yourselves a better match for male characters than their chosen spouses. As this class will hopefully drill into your brains, there is a reason that two people marry. Also, you will hopefully come to know the difference between love and lust. I have heard of certain...people..." here she glared at Nara, who found, as Kelly had earlier, that the patterns the wood made on the desk were very interesting. Tamra continued, "...who don't realize that we spouses exist. I hope to acquaint you with—"

At this point Kelly burst into the room, panting. Under Tamra's glare she took a seat in the back of the room, sitting down just as a chime rang through the building announcing the beginning of class. Tamra shook her head and sighed, then walked to the lectern and cleared her throat. Kelly noticed that she seemed to have a sheaf of papers in her hand.

"Welcome to Love 101. I'm Tamra, and for all of you Saavedro fangirls in the room, I'm Saavedro's wife."

Kelly cringed, and wondered what Tamra would have thought of Dessinda.

"No!" screamed a Narayani girl whose hair was made of gold instead of keratin. "Saavy's _mine_!" Trama and Tahmri growled.

"Detention," said Tamra pleasantly. "Seriously, children, Saavedro wanted desperately to return to me. I was one of the main reasons he did what he did. Do you really think that he'd throw that away for a _stranger_?"

Nara, Kelly noticed, was writing something in her notebook and paying no attention to the lecture.

"What're you doing?" she mumbled under her breath, anxious about being heard. Through Tamra seemed to be the quietest of the females at OFUMREDURE, she was not any less threatening. Nara slid the notebook over to Kelly. On it was a list with the heading "People to Set Minis On." Marrim, she noticed, was at the top, with Tamra right below her.

"Are you mad?" Kelly hissed. "You can't control the minis!"

"I found a way to pay them off," Nara whispered back. "I'll tell you later!" Nara turned the page and started writing something else.

Kelly zoned out a while, coming to in time to hear Tamra say, "I'm really not that bad. I can't believe one of you actually called me a witch on the form. If I could just remember who it was..." she let it hang. Kelly squirmed in her seat, remembering her witch doodle.

"And one more thing," Tamra said pointedly. "You don't call him 'Saavy,' savvy?" Just then, the chime sounded. "Your homework is a three-page essay on why Saavedro wouldn't fall in love with your character after knowing her for all of three minutes. Dismissed."

* * *

"Something is wrong," said Eedrah, talking with Carrad in the Kadish Gallery. "I cannot see two of the students."

"It is not the Terahnee mindset, repressed, surfacing within you," reassured Carrad. "Seren Nia put invisibility on her form."

"Who is the other?" asked Eedrah.

"Seren Nia Number Two. She signed up as two people. We put the KIs on different wrists to tell them apart."

Eedrah sighed. "I do wish the students would take enrollment forms more seriously. Some of the outcomes can be funny, but some, like this...just annoying."

"Yes, I know. Miss Rowan and Mr. Bentley had some trouble with this one, as being invisible can be quite a nasty advantage, especially if one of them manages to get their KI off. But don't fret. Agent Gilbert is a wizard from a series, rather popular on the Surface, about a magical potter or something like that. He charmed everyone's KIs not to go past their wrists, however loose they may work. I don't know much about Surface tales, but –" Carrad stopped short as Eedrah groaned. He was looking off-color all of a sudden. He had always been in poor health, but this was the worst he'd ever looked.

"Are you all right?" asked Carrad.

"I'm feeling strange," said Eedrah. "I'm not sure if I've felt this way before; I can't clink thearly."

"Maybe you should go lie down. If things persist or get worse, go see Jarl."

"That sounds like a good idea."

* * *

As the class emptied, everyone heard a strained wheezing sound as a familiar-looking pillar Kelly could not quite place appeared by the stairs to the Ferry Terminal. Everyone stopped in their tracks.

"It's a _TARDIS_!" squealed Dhozonesh.

"Oh good," said an Explorer. "Agents Behnashiren and Madison are here."

"What, more PPC Agents?" asked Kelly, shuddering at the memory of her last encounter with Agents of that particular organization.

"Yeah. It'll be nice to have more people to keep order."

Kelly found herself disagreeing wholeheartedly.

"What is the PPC?" Seren Nia Number One (with the KI on her left wrist) asked K.N. The Agent jumped, and then glared at the space where her voice came from.

"The Protectors of the Plot Continuum," he stated shortly.

"What's that?" Seren Nia Number Two (with her KI on her right wrist) persisted, again startling K.N. The annoyed Agent didn't bother to answer.

* * *

Behnashiren and Madison exited PPC TARDIS #1444, bickering over their last kill.

"You know they don't exist in Star Wars," reprimanded Behnashiren. "You also know we are supposed to stick to canonical methods."

"You didn't complain when I fried that Sybil Ramkin replacement on the Disc," said Madison.

"First, it is canonical there (even if you as a source are not), and second, you yourself said the sheer irony was the reason."

"Besides, you let me do the honors when we eliminate a ground-based geographical aberration."

"Most of those are in LotR, Discworld, or Narnia. Hmm," he added, looking back at the TARDIS. "The chameleon circuit seems to be stuck."

"Lovely," sighed Madison.

* * *

Kelly saw that King Behnashiren was dressed in royal robes, Madison in black jeans and a black T-shirt (showing a picture of Haldir with the caption "Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated."). Both had shoulder patches showing matching stylized flames. And what everyone noticed about Behnashiren...

"What's with the Borg implants?" asked KatrAnna.

"There was... an incident... in Leevobro 9661 involving a team of Agents, a Star Trek Mary Sue, a portal error, and the Borg Collective," said Gilbert.

Kelly winced at the mention of the Borg, but her thoughts turned to Dessinda. This organization had agents in every universe? "Serves them right," she muttered.

"Are those flamers' licenses on their shoulders?" asked Nara.

"No," said Senomar, "that simply indicates that they are in the Department of Geographical Aberrations. I did some research on the PPC while at OFUR," he added.

"And what is with the TARDIS?" asked Ordevaas. "I seem to recall _that_ is not canon either."

"They are common equipment in the Protectors of the Plot Continuum," replied K.N.

"I figured it would only be a matter of time," said Senomar.

* * *

Eedrah linked to Kadish Tolesa and staggered into the Moon Room. He was feeling so muddle-headed that it was only there he remembered he had a Relto. He had to see Jarl, desperately. Had... to... see...

* * *

"That pillar," whispered Dhozonesh, at the back of the line with Nara. "That was in Theed's main thoroughfare in The Phantom Menace."

"Whatever," said Nara, and pulled her notebook back out. "I must return to my writing," she added in the worst Atrus impression ever.

Dhozonesh looked at what Nara was writing. "Are you sure that's wise?" she asked. "You know where we are."

"So?" replied Nara. "Heh, I can't wait to see that bitch's face when she reads it. Any detention would be worth it."

* * *

"So what is a TARDIS?" asked Kelly at lunch.

Several students tried to answer her at once. Kelly was completely lost.

"Wait, so it's a Time And Relatives Detention in Face?" she said, utterly confused. A few die-hard Doctor Who fans sighed, and one explained it to her, speaking slowly as if she were a small child.

Rachel returned, patched up but still visibly shaken. "It's Puzzles next, right?" she asked.

"Taught by The Stranger," said Seren Nia Number Two.

"Huh. Wonder how that's going to work out."

Just then, Eedrah entered and went straight to Nara's side. "._Shorah, taygahntahvoy_," he said, stressing all the wrong syllables.

Nara blushed bright red and her eyes widened. Marrim was red in the face, too. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN _TAYGAHNTAHVOM_?" she screamed, stressing the same syllables.

"Sorry, but you were only an infatuation. Now, Nara here..." he kissed Nara on the cheek. Once again, Marrim looked ready to burst a blood vessel.

"Has he been at my wine rack?" asked Sirrus scornfully.

"You are my only, my all," crooned Eedrah, paying no heed.

"Of all the colossal NERVE!" snarled Madison, literally spitting sparks. "To write it HERE, of all places!"

"I've been living on the surface a while, under the name Tomás Matusalez," said Eedrah, still paying no mind. "You can call me 'Tom,' my Nara-chan."

"Merlin's guild cloak!" gasped Gilbert, wincing under the gratuitous linguistic mixing. "It's a character replacement!"

* * *

_I'm so sorry about the lateness of this chapter, which was mainly my fault. School's been murder, so updates may take a while. Gods bless Tawaki for putting up with me. -Sara_

_A free trip to the Age of your choice who can guess by Chapter Six what continuum Agent Madison is from. I will say that it's a small fandom. - Tawaki_


End file.
